I felt a connection with her that I often dont feel after just meeting someone for the first time. Ronan really wanted a girl. Sweet dreams. A little sorry were really not sorry light bulb changing is not going to stop me from trying every year, to get this to finally happen. Everyday, she is surviving Ronan. I never thought I would have a girl, but have always felt like I was meant to have one. I think the phone call went really, really, well. How stopping will make me want to run up my mountain 8 months pregnant and not come back down. Even on my darkest of days, when nobody knew what to do with me, they stood by me. I hope you are safe. Meat is still my enemy. She told me she would send me back to get more in depth ultrasounds whenever I wanted, she would find any excuse to send me. Ambien won. I love you. I have a lot of dreams. Im not even a nurse. I only wish it were your body wearing it. Goodnight baby doll. My heart will forever be broken in a way that is just not repairable. Happy and fancy. You only left me with the best and for that, I will always be thankful. I miss you. They may have gently slapped me here and there, but they didnt talk ill or abandon me or whisper behind my back. on 2 a.m. Insomnia Parties With A Raccoon and ACat. We were invited to a lunch that at a house that lasted much of the day. This is the girl, who is fighting with every single thing that I have, because I dont have a choice, unless I want to curl up and die, while letting cancer take EVERYTHING away from me. Darling. on Not a life full of beauty but one full of beautiful momentsinstead, on From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby. They fill me with things like a fire and a drive that I never knew I had. Our Fairy RoMo. I love reading all of your comments. I cannot believe a mannequin is wearing my dead childs costume. This never happens for me. My skin was crawling, my head was screaming, and I was tossing and turning. I so badly, wanted my little sidekick and partner in crime. That I needed to see him today. These kids, deserve to be recognized, not swept under the carpet. This totally brings tears to my eyes because I know he did this for you, and how proud you are of him. Finally, someone you can do all those girly things with that you love doing. I NEVER get to make him smile with happy news, because all the news I sit and share with him is usually so fucking sad or me venting. One that I so badly wanted her at and one that she so badly wanted to be at but did not think she could come for due to her crazy work schedule. Ive been telling myself all day this is somebodys elses life and not my own. I am awake now. I would like to think so. I let myself get lost in my baking. Even the weather agrees. It never feels totally right, but we have worked very hard, together, to get where we are today. Today, my tears were more happy. I dont think this is normal. I guess if it doesnt touch your life personally, it is easier just to look the other way and go about your business. I look forward to watching what she does in regards to Neuroblastoma. You two are going to be something else. I laughed and talked about you a little bit. In my mind, Ive walked out with your costume at least 50 times. This weekend is a busy one. Your daddy watched me as I paced around for days, cried in bed, telling him if anything happens, that this will be the worst thing to happen to me, since losing you. Blackness engulfs my forever painfully aching body of grief. I hope you are safe. Because that would have been totally acceptable! The days are lost for me. Ireland! I almost fell over. I love you. It will be a trip packed with a lot of business, but a lot of fun as well. I will be just as happy if this is a boy, too. We Have a NewHome! I met a friend this morning for coffee. We had a little foundation business to attend to. I think deep down, I knew it too, but the confirmation was nice today. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. You should have been causing trouble somewhere like I know you would be doing, if you were here. Such amazing little boys they are. He deserved better. I dont feel brave. Our Rachel that feels like a younger sister to me. I wonder how comethe wholewide world doesnt feel this way, too. 4,586 views. I wont do it. I am a natural born mother. Oh, how you loved that thing. Your daddy went out last night. When I'm not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. And it was to childhood cancer. The things you learn at 2 a.m. Where are you? He responded with In a meeting. On to the next. Your boots were not that ugly.. Fernanda came by the clinic and dropped me off a coffee (which I proceeded to knock over and spill) She called that, good luck. Please fix this, so someday another mother like me, does not have to stand before you, wearing her childs ashes around her neck. I promise to make you proud. You have nothing to be sorry for.. I leave soon. They urged me to go. Not crying. We are going to go to dinner when they get home. These are kids. Ronan. Youd think with all the shit I do, that walking into a hospital to get your costume would be easy, right? I fell asleep early while your brothers played some zombie fighting video game in the living room. Until 7:30 this morning. He told me he thought I was being a little harsh. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. I have lots to do today. You know you have my utmost respect, always. I woke up around midnight, your daddy still gone. A couple of things dawned on me tonight after I dropped by dinner to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. I hope you are safe. Maya! I listened to him like I always do. I was put under strict orders to slow things down and to stop with the stress. Ronan. You didnt see everything he went through, but you saw more than most people. Especially not in this day and age when kids die from cancer, due to lack of funding alone. Nobody knows that. Thank RO for that daddy of yours. He is someone you loved so much. I can not wait to have an actual place to go to where I will be a thousand times more productive. I am trying not to panic about it all, but I said to your daddy tonight, We need to come up with alast minuteMay plan, because Icant behere. He promised me he would, so I am trying to relax a bit about it but it has still been keeping me awake at night. Things like this dont even happen in the fucking movies so how can they possibly happen, in real life? I tried to get to sleep at a decent hour last night but my achy body and the thoughts of you, were consuming me. I am so proud of them both not only today, but always. Grief. She helped me get through the day. This never works, but I will continue to try for the rest of my life. Sometimes, I miss it. It doesnt work. We talked about New York for a bit. I let my body break down like it has been wanting to do. He looked at me the other morning and asked what was going on, that I was having such an awful time sleeping. I am so excited to meet this beautiful gift you have given us. He tried once again to shake my hand and laughed as I grabbed him for a hug. A Target trip that seemed so overwhelming to me that I had to sit in the parking lot and sob for a good 20 minutes before I could even get into the store to buy the one item I needed. My skin was crawling, my head was screaming, and I was tossing and turning. Because I do. Im too sick to laugh. Maybe after she gets here, my mind will change but as of now, it has not. You have to carry this around with you forever, while the ones who cared about Ronan, your family, your friends, get to go on with their lives. I will get through it the best I can, just like I did last year. So we talked a lot about your foundation and a few other top-secret things I have in the works. Stay tuned:) I miss our city, so very much and now I might just have a great excuse to get my pregnant ass back out there, puking and all. She of course made a ninja plan to help me tomorrow, go and find it. I was laying in bed. It's the "Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes." A lot of you, ask that in my comments. I feel like childhood cancer is being talked about, everywhere, but I realise that may only be because its the world solelylive in now. I said, Sure! Of course you know I am so impatient when it comes to all things being pregnant. We talked about Poppy for a while. I went to see my OBGYN a couple of days ago, just for my 4 week standard check-up. As long as you are the reason I am going, to keep things moving forward with your foundation, your memory, and your spirit I know great things will come from this trip. Pretty soon, Poppy was on the big screen. But because I know what happens when I listen to that song. I dont tolerate it. Lay down again. I couldn't take it anymore. A world of shiny, happy people. He sat down. I love you. That oh so fun place only moms get to go that have had a child who has died. You being sick, unable to do things, just does not go hand in hand. the chucking continues. I'm scattered today; nervous about meeting with the doctor in San Francisco. If that wasnt enough to make me cry, the next thing was. But he was stolen from me by childhood cancer. You are so right. Fuck. I wanted you so badly, to be in the kitchen cooking with me, like we used to do. By taking a little time out to go to New York. What perfect timing. It was good to see them. Eager and passion are both things I feel from her. I had just put the apple pie in the oven when your song, Ronan, came on. I usually fall back asleep around 5 a.m. I was so glad I didnt have to sit there alone. I love you, Ronan. Today you will be slapped in the face with the reminder that everything is AWESOME in AZ because it is a perfectly sunny happy fucking day. Not one second. God Bless your beautiful family! Your day of death. I feel calmer and more peaceful than I have in a very long time. Our Fairy RoMo said to pack our umbrella. No words last night could have saved me. I hate seeing him on days like today where I am so sad that I can tell it hurts him. What amazing little girls. How About No Expectations Because Nobody Knows.. Now Im crying every single day, sometimes every single hour. Why are you laughing. You know that speaks volumes in my book. "My darling. I am sorry. This was our last Thanksgiving with Ronan. Every day is hard without you, but this time of the year there seems to be a shift about me that I cannot control. Only one other living thing survived and that was the poppy, flowering each year with the coming of the warm weather. I did not think anything else could happen today, that would leave me speechless. I love you. Giggling everywhere. That all I get now are beautiful moments in life. I think that is pretty good, considering our circumstances. I wonder if my sleep will ever be the same again. Now that Ive met you, youre in. It was like I was let into the most exclusive club that ever existed. She knows that you are the force behind everything that comes my way. You know who kicked ass in the race today, Ronan? No way could it really be a girl. Your sweet little face. Ive been keeping myself busy enough because my life depends on it. Nothing more needed to be said as those words were enough. Maybe Poppy will even make an appearance;). I don't have any idea who that is." I looked up at Mr. Sparkly Eyes, and yes, his eyes still sparkle. My list will include the things that are truly important such as the health of your brothers, this Poppy baby, your daddy, our loved ones and for all the people who have been touched by your story and who are helping keep you alive in a way. Its almost as if you are still around so much that you know when I am struggling, and you send someone into help me out or give me a big fucking sign that everything will work out. We landed in a big city. She will be a part of you and I cannot wait to meet her. I handed him the baby to hold and I was begging him to help me name this baby boy, as I could not think of a name. I dont like when I have to stay cooped up all day, not running around doing 50 million things. I am doing the only thing I know how which is leaving this all in the hands of you. I miss my workouts. Your daddy never knows what hes going to get with me. I am so glad I finally got to meet her. Now, since this vampire baby seems to be sucking the life out of me, I can hardly get my head up off of my pillow in the mornings to take your brothers to school. He didnt answer. No mother is strong enough to survive something like this. With you watching over her, with a daddy like yours, and your big brothers, too. I love you. The thought of the ER and the reality that would come with it, kept me at home, chugging Gatorade. Ill keep you posted on when things are ready. A dozen times. Her pump, full, lips look just like yours. Why is the house so quiet? She is so lucky to have you. He responded back with a simple, I will. I said, I know. For the love that was ripped from my arms. I told him they were my favorite boots ever. I dont know what this dream meant. Oh, and I saw Dr. Eshun again today. It just tells me, once again, what we are doing, is so right. I am forever so very sorry I couldnt fix you. To cry. Depth. They thought it was pretty cool. It will never fill the empty space in my heart that feels like a gaping hole. They dont have a clue as to what they can tell me about this time around. I am not doing anything else. Start over. Whats wrong? Mr. Sparkly Eyes - ROCKSTAR RONAN Tag: Mr. Sparkly Eyes Thankful for the opportunity to continue talking about Ronan, Taylor, childhood cancer, and the horrifically hard world of bereaved parents. I do these things for you. I am as always, wiped out. Please rest. You dont. They taped the dollar to the letter and said they were giving it to me. I was only there, for you. I died when you died. It was a boy. It was an emotional day but so rewarding as well. I am sick and tired of this blinding sun. You know how I hate our little frienemy. Thank you for all the Roideas today. I was holding him and our Mr. Sparkly Eyes came into the room. Ive been really busy. I miss you so much. I had a super important phone call this week. In a conference room full of people, alligator tears were uncontrollable. I remember the sight of that, made me so happy, that I snapped a picture of it. I am also very productive at 2 a.m. Thank you for him. Proof that you are still here, taking care of me, the best way that you can. He was so tiny and frail. If you cant be here with me, I will honor you by bringing your little light everywhere that I can. I think it would have gotten the Ronan seal of approval. Im tired tonight, Ronan. I love you. It meant that kids are dying, dying, dying and nobody is paying attention. Maybe Ill start baking. It was the day after I had her. I begged and pleaded with you once again in the parking garage. I would like to rip its face off with my bare hands. I miss you. Sweet dreams, baby doll. He is someone you loved so much. You are right. Thanks for learning this lesson and letting it make you a better person. He told me to please go and get it done. They make the raddest tee shirts out there. Thank you, sweet strangers. Did I forget to mention the fact that I know your sister is going to be extra spicy, just like you? As of now, I cant talk about our news. I beg over and over in my head. I was wrong. Its been a few days since Ive really cried and I guess Ive been holding a lot in by distracting myself and being so busy. Heres how Im going to get through the next two months. A huge thank you to Mayor Stanton of Phoenix, Arizona for signing our proclamation to declare September as Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. I am so sorry that you had to be taken away. My nights have been spent writing and working on this book. Realness. Yelling, Quinny! My board members told me I was a genius tonight. He was proud of the advice he gave me that I listened to. Liam chimed in, too. Everyday normal things will no longer exist in my life again. He laughed at that. That phone call that I know he did not want to make, for fear of ruining our trip. That phone call that left my head spinning, tears falling, sheer panic, and of course where my mind goes to the absolute worst place. I am going to take the day that you left me and rename it and make it the name that it deserves. Secret Plan! Your room no longer seems so sad, empty and cold. Not to mention the fact that he is deliciously handsome, insanely talented, and I could just stop and melt right here. Im working on it but my revenge will never serve justice for your death. They deserve more compassionate treatments. How you would scream and cry and try to be brave, but you hated it so much. And maybe a little less sad. I dont know if things will ever be alright, Ronan. I hope they taste as good as they look. Talk about another huge sign! I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. Tonight a big dose of reality is waiting for me as I step off this plane. He always knows best. My due date is April. How much more blood needs to be shed? I truly think you thought you were just going to go to sleep and wake up once again, after we got you all better. I dont think she knew quite what to make of me. Because at the end of the day, its not complicated at all. Mothers Day is hard enough now, butthe fact thatit falls on what should have been your 6th birthday is just beyond anything I am capable of handling. Its one of my only drawings I have of yours. Yes. I dont understand how even watching your daddy and brothers, watch football is normal now. Lots to do but all I really want to do is be busy taking care of you. I have the best doctor I know in Omaha at the ER waiting for you. I am kind of all out of ideas for boy first names, but we know it of course has to be Irish. She has a ton of hair already. P.S. Her secret is beyond this world and she is the only one that can posses it. I miss my mom and your Papa Jim so very much. I'm trying to get there as fast as I can. I hope you are safe. She has been diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma, but luckily, it has been caught early, at Stage 1. I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. I love you. We talk about you a lot. A lot is wrong with me, actually. I worry about her so much already. Dr. Sholler gets in Friday night to me my surrogate runner and I am so excited to see her and have her here. Yes, The White House should be GOLD. Thank you for the dinner, you are the sweetest. Dr. Schwartz calmly talked about when she could induce me and told me that she would not let me go to my due date because she knows the fear I have. Who is the jackass that made up that wise saying? That pain becomes less as time goes on. I have a bunch of families that I will be thinking of, not just our own. Happily. THANK YOU. Basketball, Baseball, and Flag Football. I would have chased you like the wind today. But most of all, I miss you. I dont miss you less. I have tried to be as productive as possible. I couldn't take it anymore. I had all I could take. When I did finally wake up, I felt like I had been hit by a truck; several times. I believe in you, Ronan and you are more than any GOD could ever be. The thought of that, put a smile on my face. I cant imagine what writing about your death will be like for me. I am up due to feeling sick to my stomach from this Poppy that grows in my belly. No eating required. I hung up and listened to your Sparkly and went back to sleep for the next 8 hours. I told you it was a word! Ill bet you are the WORST sick patient ever. How some people try so hard to become a writer and they just dont have the natural ability that I have. I know what I am coming home to. Ryan Starr was born Tiffany Montgomery in the Sunland neighborhood of Los Angeles, California, a place where she once described as a "middle of nowhere town, up in the hills - like, horse country." Her elementary, middle, and high schools were all about "a block from one another" in her words, and growing up, Starr considered herself to be "a small-town tomboy". Of course it is a Star Wars theme. I nodded my head and walked off repeating the words over and over again, Its going to be alright, its going to be alright.. Anything else I need to address tonight?? I would have put on your sweet little pajamas and tucked you into bed with me, where you belong. Im afraid this is the best it is going to get. All happy and carefree. that my New York Miss Macy made me. My week has kind of gotten away from me. I laid on our bed and cried for a long time. I miss you. We are almost totally off caffeine) It is the most beautiful building and it even has a basketball court which your brothers are so excited for! I think that is appropriate since it is the day that cancer stole you. Then perfect your baby has cancer Ronan, but we will fix him. I think my eyes do too. I miss you, I love you, I hope you are safe. I had to take your brothers because the appointment was so early. We went to dinner in this big city last night. Not the other way around. This is why they are still in my life. Someday, I will tell you. I sobbed into the phone. Sweet dreams, little man. Thats how I like it., Him: I know you insist on doing allthese things alone, but its not the way it should be. Once in a formal setting and once again, outside of her office. Where once there were homesand farms there was now a sea of mud, a grave for the dead where the men still live and fought. I know the power of our love can take the worst thing possible, and help others. Twenty freaking one. It seemed to have all the answers. We had to get a picture of my fake training, for Palmer Cash, as they were my sponsor for the day. This is the Captain Rex that will go under your tree at PCH this year. She obviously gets those from your daddy. Anything That Has To Do With You and New YorkCity. It was all I could do to stay in the restaurant and not flip the fuck out. She has our attention. Swallow pill. It started with that phone call from your Mr. Sparkly Eyes while I was out in the Hamptons with your Poppy sister. I wonder if this will ever get easier. A light-hearted but heavy-hearted way to make some money to get Dr. Mosses trial funded, seemed like the way to go. Goodnight, mommy. It wouldnt have been this way, if you were still here. I have been reading all of your comments today. Posted on July 28, 2011 July 28, 2011 Author rockstarronan Categories Uncategorized Tags Coldplay, Fix you, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Rockstar Ronan. Shes a pretty big deal in the literary world and is a writer herself. I opened a letter from someone saying how they had heard your story, wanted to help, but they only had 1 dollar. Our sad little house where I often work from our dining room table, our kitchen table, and even my bed. To me that just screamed how much your little lifeis missed by us all. I wish it didnt have to be this way, but this is the decision I have made. We had a little debate that I took a stance on and refused to back down. Im so excited. You are going to make the best grand poppy ever. I will never stop fighting for all that was taken away from you. on I Dont Know What To Expect When ImExpecting. Its fluff and fluff does not work for me. My phone rang and so I did my thing. We have decided my next one will be at 26 weeks. The song was supposed to be on her original RED album, but her record executive, Scott Borchetta, did not think it would be a good fit for the album, so she released it as a stand-alone single to help benefit cancer charities. I inhaled it, hoping for it to smell like you. That my life without you is full of so much pain, sadness and hurt. Katie. Up, showered, packed, Starbucks, hit the road, lets get outta this big city. The next thing I knew, this baby started talking and saying, Ronan, Ronan, Ronan, over and over again. But oh, how much fun would a little baby girl be. Im looking for you. Trying to live this life the best I can, without you. It is just all so wrong. Get this done. I dont think I moved for the next 24 hours. It was the Ambien that knocked me into a black coma of oblivion, not the soothing words of everything is going to be alright that I needed to hear. She told me how she found out at 12 weeks here with both of her boys. We have so much going on which we are all so thankful for. I will be your Rovocate for the rest of my life. Nobody wants to take care of you because youve been so mean. You are back now so please just take these next few days to just stop. Remember how I said that nothing will ever be the same again? Its our peaceful time to spend with you and the small time out of my day that I try to take for myself to be with my grief/plot how Im going to take over this fucked up world. I hope you are safe. You should not be sitting there. Ronan. No sleep needed. What is your daughters name? She just looked at me and said, Ireland. I smiled and said, Its beautiful. That has been our girl name, for about 10 years. They are like the air I breathe and I inhale them as much as I can. Thanks for making it rain on him the other night while he was out for a walk with his mama. Last night, Ronan, I had the most vivid dream. I took everything she said to heart and appreciated her willingnessto be so open and honest with me. I got home. He made fun of them and made me laugh. Not because I dont love it. There is nothing sweet and fluffy about having to dig your babies ashes out of his urn to place them in a plastic baggie, so you can take him on a trip with you. Our sad little house that leaves makes my skin crawl during the day because I miss you so much. Becca. Because they never gave up on the you and me part of this. A city where the happy is too loud so lets go away to the coldbeach. I cleaned myself up and continued on to my pumpkin pie. Its because when I first found out I was pregnant, it was the size of a poppy seed. I did it without crying and drowning in my tears. Thanks for not listening, or caring in my opinion. You arent sleeping at all. Soon, my head was filled with thoughts that I couldnt control. I need to rough them up a bit. I was hoping she wasnt thinking, Who is this crazed stalker with purple hair?? They cant. I need your help. You were the best thing thats ever been mine. How could it be with your sweet sister snuggled up to me? I sat quietly in your room for a while. Especially when it involves you, which it always does.
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